Two things – one, people who see stuff like this and call it abuse (I’ve even had a few asks saying that Poe was abused by Holdo/Leia…) are very much people who are both absolutists and those who we’d probably call antis – they hate the possibility of a blurry line and romance and want to do anything they can to demolish it. And a really good way to do that nowadays is to weaponize abuse.
Weaponizing things like that mean using the accusations of abuse as a way to take down something with (or without) proof or due course.
So they see Kylo as this complex character, or Reylo as a complex romance, and go ‘I don’t like that’ and so they use the easiest thing to jump to – which for Reylo is abuse.
That’s because Kylo IS harsh with Rey in his words in the throne scene. He’s not harsh with her like that elsewhere, but if you already had a really negative view and no open mind you’d probably miss all the reasoning and nuance of that scene, him, and the words, and think it was the worst thing youve ever heard a man say in cinema, yadda yadda.
So we understand the reaction of his character, why he talks that way, and we understand the WHOLE PICTURE THAT THEY’RE BUILDING WITH THEM AND KYLO AS A CHARACTER, people who hate them/him won’t. They’ll refuse to see the nuances – or they’ll see it, and say it stilldoesn’t excuse XYZ. Which, okay fine, but fiction would be a very boring place if everyone who ever said anything mean or wrong was ostracized.